I’d like to take this opportunity and thank some of the people who have touched my life this month. If you know any of them, please feel free to tag them and share!
-Thank you, Sign in the Bathroom at Dr’s Office, for reminding me how to wipe my lady business. I am 41 years old, and I had no idea I was supposed to be going from front to back. No. Idea.
-Thanks, Frank, from Direct TV for using my first name like we have been BFF’s forever. Remember that time we went to dinner, and you had the spaghetti, and the waiter spilled it and it was so funny? Yeah. Me either because we’re not friends.
-Thank you, Patrice with American Airlines, for the monotone delivery of the boarding calls. I promise nobody could make “Now calling all passengers boarding with small children” sound any less vibrant than you did.
-Thank you, Veronica, at Walgreens, for commanding me to REMOVE MY CARD the second my Visa was approved. It really took me back to my childhood.
-Thank you, Walmart, for giving me the opportunity to “self-check” and by that I’m not only referring to the asshattery that is now your DIY scanning and bagging procedure but also the opportunity for self-reflection it provides. Want to know how patient you really are? Check 50 items in a crowded Walmart on a Friday at one of their jacked up registers. You’ll find the answer.
-Thank you, Enthusiastic Pinterest Recipe Poster. While I appreciate your passion for breadcrumbs, I’m not clicking in for anecdotes about spices. Just give me the low down on what I need to fix the Yummiest Chicken Ever and I promise to follow your board, ok?
-Thank you, Special T-Shirt Day reminder given less than 24 hours before the event. I blame you for the inevitable mom shaming that comes from the lone child that shows up in the wrong shirt.
-Thank you, Group Me text Inventor, for screwing up every peaceful moment I have in my day so that I can read messages that say “K” (The FU of all text messages)
-Thank you, Mastermind behind Hughesnet, for blaming the foliage on the trees for my sketchy service and charging me over $250 per month for garbage. I know you’re sitting behind a large desk somewhere stroking a cat. Congrats A-hole.
-Thank you, Every Single Themed Dress Up Day at School, for unknowingly creating a competition between moms and kids thus creating, even more, stress in our lives. Hey-I’ve got an idea…Send that theme list home the last day of school of we can get our crap together during summer break. It’s hard to find Geriatric Western Patriot Wear in October. You feel Me?
Who would you like to thank today? Has anyone touched your life?
Let me know in the comments!