Sometimes I see or experience things in life, and I just know… I’ve got to blog about that! But later, when I sit down with my notes I find myself thinking I cannot possibly come up with an entire post about Unicorns, Facebook Overshares and Pool Accessories Shaped Like Maxi Pads.
Or can I? The answer is yes, yes I can. I can write about anything if I am polite and Savannah isn’t here to talk me out of doing it. Yes, my sixteen-year-old serves as a voice of reason for this blog, and no she would NOT approve of this message! (This very positive and polite message of thanks.)
Thank You, Slime, for making my nine-year-old turn into a DIY addicted, shampoo, toothpaste and contact solution stealing fiend. You have wrecked my bank account, my summer, my and kitchen, and I hate you. P.S.-What did you do to Playdoh?
Thank You, Facebook Friend, for sharing the intimate details of your family’s recent stomach flu with everyone on the newsfeed. We were on pins and needles wondering if the nasty bug was rendered to only one end or both, but thanks to your graphic descriptions now we don’t have to guess.
Thank You, Unicorn trend, for sticking around for so long that we have lost all adoration for the mythological creatures. Seriously, where’s the magic in finding a unicorn anymore if they are in every Happy Meal box and you can buy a lip gloss collection at Walmart?
Thank You, Hatchimals Colleggibles for keeping the dream alive. Now we can buy the miniature version of the holiday hit in mystery packets. Just what every mother wanted; more tiny weird toys and disappointed children.
Thank You, makers of the Aquaria Pasadena Pool Float, for giving every woman just what she wanted this summer: confidence. I know I’ll feel like the Queen of the Pool Party floating around on a life-size maxi-pad. (Photo thanks to Jillian David)
Thank You, Books a Million, for pushing your membership club on every customer like it’s a warranty at Best Buy. I was unaware your bookstore was a training ground for timeshare salesmen.
Thank You, family, that went grocery shopping together despite your differences. Obviously, it was a real team builder for all of you. I especially enjoyed navigating around all of the kiddos as they played Let’s Ignore Grandma Since She’s on the Scooter & Can’t Chase Us! I heard the love as she screamed “Get Back Over Here, DamnIt!” and “I’m Gun Beat You.” Wow. You are truly an inspiration to shop alone.
Thank you, friend, that responded to my two-paragraph text that described my dire situation in detail with “K.” Next time, just send a photo of yourself flipping me off. It would be less offensive.
Finally, Thank You, Pretty Woman Inc, for the latest idiotic vaginal invention: Passion Dust– which is a capsule full of glitter one inserts into one’s West Virginia should they feel the need to, and I’m quoting them here, make it “sparkle.”
No, Pretty Woman, NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO one needs glitter down there, and we have a strict no glitter rule in our household anyway ever since my nine-year old last went way overboard with a craft and over “sparkled” a poster board and we were cleaning that (bleep) up for months.
So, Thanks, but no thanks, Pretty Woman. I have enough stuff to clean.
I don’t want to add an over sparkled Lady Business to my list.