18 Things I’ve Said to My Teenage Daughter (Because Of The Movie Say Anything)

My mother always told me that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. It’s too bad that I didn’t listen to her. I’m going to blame or attribute the insightful 1980’s movie Say Anything for my, well, I’ll say anything rational, because A) Have you seen that movie? and B) Why not. 

Here’s the thing, I have a very mature for her age sixteen-year-old daughter, a brilliant, sassy, talks non stop nine-year-old daughter, a five-year-old son who has autism, and a husband who’s always at work.

Life gets stressful. 

Sometimes I forget that my sixteen-year-old is still technically a child, only to remember after a massive amount of garbage has flown out of my mouth.

Here’s a list of things I said to my teenage daughter. 

It feels good to get it out of my system, and this is way cheaper than therapy. 

18 Things I Said To My Teenager Daughter

Don’t even try to talk to me before my body has had time to process at least one (ideally two) cups of coffee.

I swear your Dad has no idea what’s going on.

I’m pretty sure your sister is a compulsive liar.

Anybody who wears white after Labor Day is tacky. (I regret that one now, mostly because Anna Wintour said it was OK now.) 

Your sister’s room looks like a crime scene.

I have Mom-ed the crap out of this day and I’m done now.

Do you have any idea why your brother is obsessed with his weiner?

If that woman won a million dollars, she would complain about the paperwork.

If you don’t put down your phone NOW, I will run over the damn thing and not feel the slightest bit guilty. 

Ladies don’t curse! How many freakin times do I have to tell you that? 

Put your seat belt on, or I’ll kill you. 

Roll your eyes at me one more time, and I will cut your hair while you sleep. 

If I have to pull one more Care Bear out of the microwave, I will lose my mind.

That kid’s science fair project was total BS. 

That better be chocolate your brother is smearing on the wall.

The next time I call your cell, and you send me to your voicemail, I will go Lifetime movie on you. 

I can make a psycho look like Mary Freakin Poppins… Do not test me.

If you don’t clean your bathroom, I’m going to post pictures of it on Facebook. (This one doubles as a parenting hack. It works every time!) 

Here’s the deal.

I keep it real with my kids for several reasons. And no, Judge Judy, it’s not because I’m trying to be the cool mom. I don’t have to try – I was born cool.

I act like myself around my kids because too many parents are fake, and they’ve forgotten what it’s like to be kids. I haven’t. Being a kid, being a teenager – is hard. They need us on their side – but they also need to know where we stand when pressed.

So I don’t regret any of the things I’ve said to my teenage daughter – not one single bit.

I love my daughter; we have a solid relationship. She shares everything with me, and she does that because she knows she can be real with me, and I won’t judge her. Ever. 

Keeping the lines of communication open assures me that she knows she can count on me if she were to ever be in serious trouble. The way I see it, adults often confuse respect and fear. When kids fear their parents, it prevents them from reaching out when they need someone. 

And you know what? That’s not cool. 

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