One individual has the power to make me the happiest person on the planet, only to turn me into a screaming haggish banshee within five seconds. That person is my sixteen-year-old. If you are a Mother who has ever felt the rage that only the disrespect of your teenage daughter can summon, then you are in the right place to laugh it off.
Last weekend my daughter and I hit the open road to find her the perfect prom dress. As her Mother, I saw this adventure as a bonding opportunity – car time means communication time! We were going to bond—chit-chat. Talk about friends, boys, the meaning of life, college – whathaveyou. Now, I will admit I’m guilty of setting the expectation bar very high in my mind for this shopping spree, which is on me, but when she shut me down hardcore style, I was not prepared for how triggered I’d be.
Since we were going dress shopping, I started with a few formal wear-related ice breakers.
Well, honey, what are you thinking as far as color? Do you have a preference between strapless and one-shoulder? I think you would look stunning in a one-shoulder Emerald green full-length number.
She started smiling and nodding, which made me think I was on the right track. (#smallvictories #momwin)
I kept going, discussing the benefits of visualizing her dress and the experience. I believe I started brainstorming possible accessories when I realized she wasn’t responding to me.
She was on her phone, with her earbuds in, and she had tuned me out.
I’m not going to lie; the fact that I had been talking to myself for a half hour ticked me off, but not enough to throw in the towel.
I took a deep breath, kept my happy Mom hat on, and attempted to engage her in conversation one more time politely and directly.
“Hey, I was really looking forward to spending time with you on this drive. Don’t you think you could put the phone away for a little while?”
Thank God eye contact is problematic when driving because if looks could kill, I’d be a goner.
Oh My Gosh-a, Mom. NO. Why does everything have to be a thing with you? I’ll know what I want when I see it, and if I don’t keep my Snapchat streaks up, I’ll be a social outcast. Duh.
She was pressing me, but I refused the bait. I reasoned that I’d give this bonding experience one more chance.
“Ok, have you tried looking on Vogue’s website for inspiration? Or you could google Prom Dresses Spring 2017 while we’re on the way. That would be a good place to start!”
She glared at me as if I were high, took a picture of herself smiling brightly for Snapchat, and then turned to me with a deadpan expression. Just as I was contemplating the bipolar natural beast that is social media, she announced:
“OMG, Mom, NO-AH. Why do you have to be so extra? Oh My Gah, I need to relax. I’m so tired….”
I wanted to slam on the emergency brake at 75 mph, pull the car over and leave her at mile marker 24-without her phone.
I wanted to SCREAM at her about being ungrateful. I wanted to itemize the work that went into obtaining the money I had procured for her shopping trip. I wanted to explain to her that she cannot possibly comprehend what tired is and, you know, all of the usual Mom rantings that teenagers tune out.
Instead, I silently vowed to take revenge.
The Pen Is Mightier Than The Scream
That’s right.
Today, I write for all of the frustrated Moms of teenage girls. You see, instead of going on a respect rant at my daughter, I wrote a mom-style fantasy revenge list of ways to get her back. And I’m sharing it with you, dear reader.
This one is for all down-low banshee moms who want to scream but hold it in because #peace and #family.
Mom’s Revenge List (That She Will Never Act On But Helps Her Process In Extreme Triggered Moments)
- Secretly put an “I’m Speeding Because I Have To Poop” bumper sticker on her car
- Open a Snapchat account, add all her friends, and use it. Be sure to use the Fairy Filter often
- The next time she’s rattling off stuff she needs you to do, interrupt the conversation to take a selfie.
- Start playing Walk Like An Egyptian on your smartphone every time you make an appearance at her school and do the dance as you walk in.
- Get creative and arrange all the rotten fruit, food, and wrappers you have found in her room over the past week. Feature it on your Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat accounts. Give it a hashtag, but call it Pound sign #CLEANUP #EmbarrassmentIsTheNewNag
- Incorporate Teen Slang into your daily vernacular. Be sure to use it around her friends (See Below)
- Change your Instagram Bio to “Twirls on Haters.”
- Use Flashback Fridays as a platform to tell embarrassing stories from her childhood (I’ll never forget how much gas she always had…it was as if she was living on a strict diet of beans!)
- Try to make “Fetch” happen out of spite.
- Use the word “crunk” whenever she plays her music. No matter the genre. Trust me on this one
- Take every piece of her dirty clothing that didn’t make it to the laundry basket and donate it to Goodwill
- Ask detailed questions about music and pop culture, i.e., “Don’t you agree that the flute lick in Mask Off is evidence that playing an instrument is important?” or “What’s happening with Kanye West? I think he may be in trouble. Did you know his Mom was a college professor? I believe he misses her….”
- Ask her friends if they think it’s ok that Lizzo is doing it for the culture
- Take all of the toilet paper from their bathroom and replace it with the candy wrappers she left in the den
- Ask a group of her friends What the kids are “up to” these days. Tell them you want to stay “woke.”
Finally, because my daughter has informed me that I am so extra, I would be remiss if I left you without a small glossary of teen slang with examples of how to use each in a sentence.
The Guide To Teen Slang (That You Should Not Use)
Boots: Ok, some guy uses this in his viral videos, so now it’s a thing. Super boots. (See what I just did there?) You can do it too. Add it to any sentence to add emphasis. I have no doubt this will frustrate the crap out of her.
Example: After school, ask if she’s sleepy boots or hungry boots. Perhaps a bit angry boots?
Hundo P: Short for 100% certainty. I’m Hundo P your kid will cringe when you use this term.
Example: I’m Hundo P; you’re not leaving until your room is clean.
Extra: Over the top
Example: Anytime she asks for something more than she has, tell her she’s being a little “extra.”
Stan: A Stan is a hardcore fan or stalker. You can stan someone by liking all of their Instagram posts in thirty minutes.
Example: (Phone rings) Ugh, Your Dad is still stanning me.
Sus: This one’s just an abbreviation of suspect. As in, a bit shady.
Example: Am I the only one who thinks it’s sus that the guidance counselor has an Only Fans page?
Snatched: The new “on fleek.” It means something looks good.
Example: When shopping, point out the ugliest pair of crocs and yell, “Oh, YAS, these crocs are snatched.”
Lit: If something is “lit,” it’s cool, with an edge.
Example: Walk into any teen hangout and proclaim the space to be lit. They will never go back.
Turnt: Refers to the state of someone’s being and the state of an affair. If a person is “turnt,” they are most likely intoxicated. However, an event can be “turnt” due to the crowd’s excitement.
Example: Hey kids, once Dad gets the bonfire going, this campout will get turnt!
Thirsty: Meaning desperate.
Example: Honey, I love you, but texting me 500 times in an hour asking me for stuff makes you somewhat thirsty, ok?
Woke: Being Aware.
Example: Consider yourself woke.
What To Read Next:
Epic Mom Fail: The Day Bonnie Tyler Made Me Lose It
How I Humiliated Myself on Mother’s Day (The Mother of Freudian Slips)
What is Dad Doing Outside? The Discovery of the (Bad) Dad Dimension
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