I used to think I was losing my mind.
During my divorce, I kept noticing things. The way certain people would mirror my exact words back to me in texts. How some conversations felt like interviews where I was sharing way too much while learning nothing real about the other person. The strange coincidence of always being asked for favors right when I was having a good day.
When I met a woman who walked me through my entire divorce process, who was helpful, supportive, and always available, it felt like an answered prayer. Three years later, when I realized she also systematically isolated me from other friends, gaslit me when I questioned her behavior, and seemed to spend her days planning her next emotional manipulation well, let’s say I see things differently.
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Turns out, I was dealing with a covert narcissist.
And they’re everywhere.
Here’s what I learned.
You’re not imagining it.
These narcissistic manipulation tactics are real, they’re common, and they work because they exploit normal human psychology.
Covert Narcissist Red Flags Your Gut Already Knows
The Love-Bombing Mirroring
They repeat your exact phrases back to you, especially in texts, making you feel incredibly “seen” and understood.
Normal/neurotypical person: You say “I’m feeling overwhelmed with work lately.”
They respond: “That sounds really stressful. Want to grab coffee this weekend?”
Narcissist: You say “I’m feeling overwhelmed with work lately.”
They respond: “You’re feeling overwhelmed with work lately. I totally understand because I’m the same way.”
Normal people paraphrase and respond naturally.
Narcissists mirror to create trauma bonds.
The Information Vampire
After talking with them, you realize you shared intimate details while learning almost nothing real about them.
Normal people ask follow-up questions about what you shared.
Narcissists ask rapid-fire personal questions but never build on your answers – they’re collecting, not connecting.
The Emotional Hijacker
They always need something or drop heavy drama right when you’re happy, busy, or heading somewhere important.
Normal people reach out randomly and respond to your energy.
Narcissists consistently contact you during your busy/happy moments, then go silent when you need support.
The Flying Monkey Recruitment
They bring you “important information” about what others are saying, or share bad news with suspicious timing.
Normal person: Shares news naturally in context of conversation.
Narcissist: “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but Sarah said you seemed off at the party. I defended you, of course.”
They’re positioning themselves as your only ally while creating chaos.
The saying, “Don’t tell me what they said about me, tell me why they were so comfortable saying it to you” comes to mind for a reason. Think on these things.
The Boundary Erosion Test
Small requests that make you uncomfortable, then escalate.
Normal person: Respects “no” and doesn’t push.
Narcissist: “Can you pick me up?” becomes “Can you lie to my ex for me?” becomes “Can you lend me money?”
This is how covert narcissists train you to prioritize their needs over your own boundaries.
The Receipt Test
Pull out your phone right now and scroll through your texts with them.
Normal people’s behavior matches their words when you look back.
With narcissists, their actions contradict everything they claimed when you review the actual evidence.
See, I didn’t want to attribute any of my relationship issues to a trending search term, hello, narcissism, but after a brutal divorce and years of working on myself, I can tell you that recognizing these patterns changed everything.
Once you see how they weaponize silence and withhold support exactly when you’re vulnerable, you can’t unsee it.
The Week of Ghosting Receipt Test
Look at what you texted right before the week of silence:
- Did you share good news? (They can’t stand your joy.)
- Did you set a boundary? (They’re punishing you.)
- Did you need support? (They withhold when you need them most.)
- Did you question their behavior? (They’re giving you the silent treatment.)
The most telling pattern: They disappear exactly when you need them most, then don’t even show up for occasions that should matter (birthdays, holidays, milestones).
Normal people ghost because life gets busy.
Narcissists ghost because your emotional state doesn’t serve them at that moment.
What These Narcissistic Manipulators Are Actually Doing
These aren’t random behaviors – they’re narcissistic supply gathering techniques.
They’re testing your boundaries, mining your insecurities, conditioning you to be their emotional support system while giving nothing back.
Your Anti-Narcissist Defense Strategy
Trust Your Trauma Response
If someone leaves you feeling drained, confused, or walking on eggshells even when they were “nice,” that’s your nervous system detecting narcissistic manipulation.
Pay attention. Trust your gut.
Gray Rock Like Your Life Depends On It
Give boring, minimal responses to their fishing attempts. “How was your weekend?” gets “Fine.”
Not a detailed story they can use against you later.
Document Their Gaslighting
Keep notes of weird interactions. Journalling is a healthy habit you should be doing anyway.
Narcissistic abuse patterns become super obvious when you write them down.
Gaslighting loses power when you have receipts.
The 24-Hour Boundary
Never make decisions when a narcissist is pressuring you.
“Let me think about it” becomes your superpower against their manipulation tactics.
If you’ve been questioning your sanity around someone who seems helpful but leaves you feeling crazy, trust that instinct.
You’re probably dealing with covert narcissistic abuse.
Your pattern recognition isn’t broken.
It’s protecting you from a narcissist.
The goal isn’t to become paranoid.
It’s to trust yourself enough to spot narcissistic manipulation before it destroys your peace.
Thanks for reading.
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