A suburban mother of three recently happened upon what scientists and physicists alike are hailing as the greatest discovery of our time. The mother, who prefers her identity be withheld, was simply trying to do it all when she found man’s hidden, secret universe.
My husband had been out of town for over a week, and I usually leave the yard work to him, due to allergies, but I could no longer stomach my kids playing in what looked like a Vietnamese elephant grass field. I expected to have some difficulty; he stays in the yard all day and gets very little done. Often he can’t get the mower to crank, so I was quite surprised when I got it on the first try.
I thought it was beginners luck, but as it turns out, I mowed our 15-acre lawn in ten minutes without any trouble at all.
Confused, I decided to try my hand at the shrubs. To my surprise, I had topiary that rivaled that of Walt Disney cut in 10 minutes! I have to admit, after discovering my husband had been lying to me regarding the difficulty of these tasks, I let go of a few curse words. Well, that must have been the secret code because I felt myself getting lightheaded and dizzy. I shut my eyes, and when I opened them up, I was in another dimension.
It was full of pot bellied Dads on their riding lawnmowers. But instead of lawns, they were on this weird sidewalk that ran back and forth from, and I know this sounds crazy, a Joe’s Crab Shack and a Hooters. It was kind of like a people mover at an airport, but for Dad’s on their John Deere’s. The Joe’s had a couple of drive-in movie size screens showing Old School and one of those Adam Sandler movies. I always get those confused. Of course, the Hooters there did what Hooters does best; broadcasted the game and the consequences of poor life choices.
Anyway, the men were all still dressed like dads doing yard work; ridiculous hats, khaki cut-off shorts with frayed bottoms, ugly, pit-stained T-shirts, some with no shirts at all, and crocs. Some were drinking, too. Not the hard stuff; the Dad stuff like craft beer and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. I must have been invisible because none of them noticed I was there. They were too preoccupied with spicy wings and Will Ferrell, and they all seemed to know each other. Almost like they were regulars. I know it sounds crazy, but I know I was in another place in time.
Oh! Oh! Before I forget, they had an excuse office! Between the crab shack and Hooters, there was a reception area where I saw a couple of the mowers parked, so I snooped around. They were practicing what they would say to their wives in case they were asked any questions! One poor guy, obviously a newlywed, screwed up and told the truth, and set off all kinds of alarms.
Code Red. Code Red. He’s still whipped!
All sorts of men went running in. Men who, trust me here, had no business running without their shirts on. I feared for the dude for a second, but all they did was stand behind this nerdy guy that handed him a binder. Nerdy Dad explained to Whipped Dad how he must memorize everything in the notebook if he ever wanted to come back to the Dad Dimension. It contained the acceptable excuse document-a list of plausible reasons men may disappear into the yard yet get nothing done.
-The lawnmower wouldn’t crank so I had to go find “my guy” and talk to him about it
-There was an unbelievable snake skin, so I did some investigating & that led me to do more investigating & so on
-Vicious wasp nests forced me to drive to the store & purchase spray to eradicate them before I made any other outdoor moves
-The mower ran out of gas, so I had to go to the gas station and buy beer
-I got gas from the pizza I bought at the gas station & had to stop & it took me awhile to get going again
-The Switch it up- As in, if your wife starts to question you, switch it up on her. Ask her if she thinks you’d be sweating outside for hours on end if you didn’t have to? Works 80% of the time. 90% if used with fake sweat method
-Fake Sweat/Complain-Pour a bottled water on yourself before reentering home, then groan about how hot it is outside
The more I heard, the angrier I became, but I started to hear voices in the distance. My children. Then something happened, and I got dizzy again. Their voices must have brought me back.
The mother has been interviewed hundreds of times as has her husband who has now hired a service to mow the yard. The couple plans to supervise them from their new free standing portable hammock for two that may or may not have been purchased as a peace offering.